A Fissures Story

“She doesn’t love you.”

It was spoken as a fact. A matter of course, rather than a topic up for debate. He always talked like that, as if he knew more than I did at any given moment.

“Yeah, you keep saying that. So why don’t I believe you?” I replied.

“Because you’re being stupid,” he said, “just because you want her to love you doesn’t mean she actually does. Hell, even if she said the words, do you really think you’re ever going to believe her?”

“And if all I had to go off was her word, I’d agree with you. However, she has given me so much more than that. It’s in the way she lives around me, in how she looks at me, talks to me, sees me. Why are you ignoring all of that? Are you blind?”

He paused, and looked at me with a mix of curiosity and concern before continuing.

“Love is blind,” he responded softly, “and I am your friend. It’s my job to see the things that you can’t, and what I see cannot be ignored. She doesn’t love you. Yes. I know how she lives around you, looks at you, talks to you, etc. and that’s exactly what has me worried. She’s using you, man. Just as you’ve been used before. You don’t want to go through all of that again, do you?”

I shuddered at the thought. Memories bubbled in a fissure I carried on my heart, and pain shot through me as a reminder of it all. Even years after I received that fissure, it still had the power to take me back into the darkness… but I had learned to live with that darkness. Just as I had with so many of them.

“This is nothing like that,” I said tersely, tears welling up in my eyes, “She is not the person who hurt me, and you know that.”

“True, but that doesn’t mean she couldn’t turn out to be the same kind of person, right? Pretty, kind, thoughtful, that sounds pretty similar to me!”

“I…”

“And worst of all,” he interrupted, “She doesn’t like me. Whom else, may I ask, said that she didn’t like me? Oh, right! Your ex. The girl who hurt you more than anything else in this world ever has, and gave you a fissure deeper than you even knew was possible. So please, explain to me why we are falling for this new girl when it’s obvious that she could never have anything even resembling your best interest in mind!”

His words echoed forcefully across the room at me, and the silence that blanketed our conversation afterward became my refuge. I let out a long breath as I tried to regain my composure and wiped the tears from my face. He couldn’t be right, could he? How could the two of us be so entirely convinced of two completely different truths? I knew that he was wrong. She did love me, and though his argument was based in truth, his conclusion couldn’t be further from it.

“So that’s it,” I said quietly, “You’re upset that she doesn’t like you.”

“I mean, sure, that’s part of it, but you don’t really think I’d bring all of this up if that was my only holdup, do you?”

“I do, actually,” quieter still.

“Come on, man! I am not that petty. I’m doing this because I care about you, and I don’t want to see you running into something that’s going to get you hurt again.”

“Do you know why you’re my closest friend?”

He stopped completely and cocked his head to one side as he replied with a bewildered “What?”

“Do you know why you’re my closest friend?” I asked again.

“W-what does this have to do with anything?” he stammered, “We’re not talking about our friendship; we’re talking about your relationship with her!”

“Just answer the question.”

I could hear the uncertainty and fear begin to creep into his voice as he answered, “Well… that’s obvious! We’re best friends because we work so well together, we’ve known each other for years, and we get along better than anyone else you’ve ever known. I’m really the only logical choice! …why would you even ask that?”

“That’s not why you’re my closest friend,” I replied solemnly, “You’re my closest friend out of convenience, and nothing more.”

He stared at me, silent and agape. Waiting for me to explain a statement that, to him, seemed like the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard.

“You are my closest friend,” I continued slowly, “because you’ve been in my life longer than any of the other friends I’ve had. Not because you understand me the best, or because I like you the most, but because whenever I was alone, you were right there beside me. I couldn’t get away from you, and you brought me peace during some of the worst fissures in my life, so I let you stay.”

“Exactly!” he shouted desperately, “I brought you peace during some of the hardest times in your life. I was there for you whenever you needed me, and you’ve allowed me to see things in your life that no one else has. How can you look me in the eyes and say that there is someone out there who understands you better than I do?”

“But that’s the problem. Everything that you’ve ever done for me has left me emptier than before. Every time that you brought me peace it was cheap and short-lived. Every time you were there for me, it was to get something from me. To ensure your continued presence in my life. You’ve seen things in my life that no one else has because you’re the one who encouraged me to do those things, not because I wanted you to be there. Things that drove everyone around me who ever loved me away, and kept you right there in the center of it all. I finally found someone who brings me peace and doesn’t ask for something in return, but peace from you has always cost me. That is why I can look you in the eyes right now and say there is someone out there who understands me better than you.”

“Oh, really?” he screamed, “Who could that possibly be? Her? Ha! You spent everyone who ever loved you on the peace you get from me, what makes you think she’ll stick around? After it begins to cost her, she’ll leave you just like everyone else has, and at the end of it all, I’ll still be right here beside you. So what if the peace I give you is cheap and short-lived? It’s still peace! Would you rather have the potential of peace that resides in the unknown, or the reliable peace that has always been here for you? You know the right answer! You know you love what I’ve given you!”

“Loved,” I corrected, “I loved what you gave me, but I love what she has given me more.”

“B-but, but, but…!” he sputtered angrily, “You have no guarantee that what she has to give you will last!

“No… I don’t have that guarantee,” a smile spread across my face, “but I never had that guarantee with you either and I was willing to lose everything I ever loved for you. Why should my love for her be any different?”

“Are you really that dense? The moment that she figures out what I really am she will leave you. That’s always the pattern. Someone tries to love you or be your friend, and then they meet me and run away faster than you can ask them to stay.”

“She already knows what you are,” I said, “She knew from the moment that we first met, and she has never seen me as anything less because of you.”

“That’s… not possible. Everyone thinks less of you when they meet me! You and I are one and the same! You wouldn’t exist without me, and you won’t be able to live with yourself if you walk away from me right now! Are you really going to turn your back on everything that we’ve shared just because some girl started lying to you about how she feels?”

“You are the only one who has ever lied to me,” my smile grew even wider as I began to shout, “You are the one who has always told me the things that I will never be able to be! That I am somehow less because of you, and that I would be worthless without you! I finally understand just who you’ve been to me, and you want me to just ignore that and stay here with you? No! I don’t want to be your friend anymore.”

I turned away from the mirror, smile still held on my face as I stared down at the floor in joyous disbelief at what I had just said.

“Are you alright?” a new voice asked from across the room, “I heard yelling and wanted to check on you.”

I looked up to see the one whom I had chosen standing in the doorway, her beautiful face marred by the furrows of worry.

“Yes, I’m alright. Better than alright, actually.”

The worry fell from her face as she stepped across the room towards me and pursed her lips in curiosity.

“Oh? And why might that be?” she asked.

“I told him that I didn’t want him anymore. That I wanted you more than anything else in the world, even if it meant losing him. That there was nothing he could give me that would ever compare to the love you’ve shown me. That the uncertainty of a tomorrow with you was better than the guarantee of one with him.”

I had barely finished speaking when she rushed forward to embrace me. The sensation of it overwhelmed me. I couldn’t process what was happening fast enough to hug her back, and I just stood there while she began to cry into my shoulder. As she did, in those few seconds before I held her, I felt the deepest fissure I had ever known close over. The fissure that I had carried with me so long it enveloped me. The fissure who told me that I could never be enough for someone else, and that only he could ever bring me peace. The fissure who insisted that no one could ever truly love me, had been undone in a single embrace. Filled by the presence of a love that I could never hope to explain.